Before anyone gets too far into this post, I’m going to be brutally upfront about the fact that this isn’t one of my cheerier posts. I keep this blog for me, and to help organise my thoughts so I can reflect on them so if there’s anything about mental health that makes you uncomfortable, I won’t take it personally if you find the off ramp.
I’ve been thinking a lot of late about the possibility that my mental health issues could be permanent. When all this started, I had it in my head that it was going to get better, it was all fixable, and by the time Gabe was a bit older I would be back to “normal”. It’s nearly been three years and I’m not far off where I was at the beginning. In many ways I’m worse. Sure, I’m not self harming but it’s a very fine line more often than not.
Laid out in front of me, I can see the many things that contribute to my mental health feeling worse. Much of it is not fixable right now but, what concerns me the most, is that I know there are elements that I may never be able to resolve. There are thoughts within me that repeat on a loop during my darkest periods to the extent that even when everything is already bleak, I can’t dig further than their surface level because I fear the drop into an abyss that will swallow me whole. I can patch up surface wounds, but I’m not able to fix internal damage. Some scars will always be visible.
So what if I never get better than this? I’m not actively suicidal, I’m not self harming, I don’t want to leave my kid without a parent or anything like that. But I also don’t really want to be here. There is a glimmer of sadness each morning where I think “damn isn’t it a shame that I woke up again”. I’m not saying that to alarm anyone – I won’t leave my son – but it’s exhausting pretending to be enthusiastic about life. If I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, I wouldn’t have had a hundred things I still wanted to do beyond seeing my child grow up. So it’s getting harder to imagine living like this forever.
This situation is exhausting for me, and it’s exhausting for the people who love me.